When I sat down to write for the evening, I had to decide whether to work on my blog first, or my novel project. Before today, it has always been the novel first, since that usually puts me in a really good mood and makes for more positive reflection, than if I had started with the blog first. That was true today as well, although I'm particularly glad that I stuck to my usual method, since if I had blogged initially, it would have been extremely dark, somber and depressing. As it stands, I'm still sad now, but less so.
The reason why I'm sad, well... that's not quite the word; a better term would be "disappointed." The reason I'm disappointed is because I entered this fiction contest about a month ago, not for any real prize or anything, but simply because I liked the idea of having my writing read and judged. This is the second year that I've done this particular contest and the story that I submitted was one that I wrote over the summer. It was a speculative fiction piece titled "the Immortal" about a man who discovers one day, for seemingly no reason, that he cannot die, and the implications that follow from that discovery.
I thought, and still do think, that it's one of the better things that I've written. In particular, it was that story that started a lot of my thinking on the nature of God and Christian mythology and other such topics, a line of thinking that led directly into my current novel project.
Well, anyway, the award presentation is tomorrow night and I had not heard whether or not I should make plans to attend. Now, perhaps this is merely my hubris, but I honestly believed that I hadn't heard anything because of a break in communication somewhere. Such things always seem to happen to me, to be honest, and I'm always getting bills and letters late, or not at all. So I wrote off an email to a friend who was associated with the contest and asked what had happened.
My friend, of course, was polite in her response, but she was also honest, and the truth was that I hadn't made the cut. I won't really explain why I didn't make it, mostly because I don't know myself. All I know is that I had "a wide variety of opinions," and that one judge gave me a perfect score, while another gave me a very low score, and it was that low score that knocked me out of the running.
Disappointing. And I admit, I'm more disappointed than I should be, because I had really thought I was going to make the finalists, if not outright win. I felt that way because this story was something that I was proud of, something that, to me, was unique and original and interesting, which is actually pretty rare in the genres of sci-fi and fantasy these days. People like the old tropes best, it seems.
It's disappointing because I feel that I've improved over what I was writing last year, that my storytelling has improved and yet, it seems like the "new thing" that I'm doing isn't as good, isn't as well received, and that's unfortunate, because it calls into question all the conceptions I have about how I'm doing as a writer and whether or not I'm getting better at this whole thing.
Part of me feels that this whole thing was a mistake, because for a while, I've had the experience of writing in a bubble, in this nice little vacuum where I don't have to worry about being "good," and now it's all I can think about. Is this any good? Am I good? Maybe I'm getting worse? I don't really like thinking that way; at the very least, it's taken some of the raw pleasure out of things.
On the other hand, I know that disappointment is to be expected, and that even some of my literary heroes knew rejection even in the height of their success. I know that not everything will appeal to everyone, and there's a very strong chance (although this sounds arrogant for me to say) that my story was too high concept, was beyond what some people might be able to grasp. I don't know if that's actually true or not. All I know is that last year, I wrote a story about a writer who believed in his own fiction, and this year, I wrote a story about the nature of life, death, immortality, God and the universe itself.
Both stories are mine. I'm proud of both stories. And regardless, I'm going to keep writing.
Also, I really, really want to move. As in, to another apartment. But that's a rant for another evening.
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4 comments:
I wouldn't take it too personally. Writing, being art, is judged subjectively by a reader. Any attempt to be "Objective" about writing is ultimately fruitless, because it's how a story makes you feel that gives it value.
With that in mind, two people may have very different opinions of the same work. If, as you say, one judge gave you a perfect score, then you have much to be proud of. In the past, you needed to appeal to the masses. Printing a book was expensive, and services like lulu.com were impossible. Now, you just need to find a small group of people passionate about what you are doing, and it sounds like those people exist.
Take heart, and keep writing stories that excite you, because someone out there is bound to feel that same excitement.
I agree with Pi. While I've not the story, I can tell you that when you look at something so subjective as writing, two different people will hate or love the exact same concepts.
Writing is easy. Success is difficult.
On a somewhat unrelated note, I know that a lot of writers like to have a distraction free environment when writing on their computers. I have finally found a windows program that achieves this, named Dark Room. You can find it here: http://they.misled.us/dark-room
The program is pretty much a knock off of the Mac based Write Room, which I picked up not too long ago. It blanks out the whole screen, leaving only a blinking cursor and your text. No twitter, no internet, no distractions, just you and your writing.
Give it a shot, and see how you like it.
All very good points. And thanks for the tip on that Dark Room program, I think I'll check it out.
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