When It's Good

After so many posts over the past week that focused on anxiety and how hard it's been, I thought it might be nice if tonight, I talked about the times when it's good. Because it is good, sometimes, even when it's hard. By it, of course, I mean writing, but really, unless this is the first post you've ever read of mine, you probably already knew that.

In keeping with the NaNoWriMo suggestion, I haven't gone back to read or edit anything in my story. I know why it's a rule; when the goal is speed and output, thinking about the little details slows you down. And when you hit those speed bumps, the enthusiasm drops and everything stalls. It's been hard to obey that rule a couple of times, however, even though I know it's a very good one to follow: more and more, as I find myself building towards the big climax, I wonder, did I introduce that plot point already? Is what I'm writing now going to fit with what I said a few chapters ago?

One thing that became particularly apparent to me as this project has progressed is how to choose where to leave off for the night. At first, I thought it might be a good idea to end each night in mid-scene, if possible, so that the next day, I can jump right in without having to worry about "hmmm, chapter 9, now what do I do?" Sometimes that's worked for me, but more and more, I realize that it's actually somewhat frustrating when I'm in the middle of a conversation, because then I'm not quite sure exactly what things have already been said, and what things are just things that I think will be said.

But I didn't mean to talk about difficulties; there's been enough griping for a while.

I said before that sometimes it's good, and that's true. Tonight was a good time. You can call it inspiration if you want, although I don't, because I don't feel particularly inspired, I just feel like I'm doing what I need to be doing and things are flowing along. Maybe that is inspiration, but in the past, I always associated it with a feeling of "eureka!" That's what I should do type of revelation.

Regardless of inspiration, however, the good moments are where you feel really happy with what you're doing. The anxieties don't go away, of course, and you'll still feel that nagging worry that maybe this isn't as epic as you think it is, but more and more, I find that I'm ignoring that feeling, writing through it and trusting in the moment. It may come to pass later that yes, I was wrong, it wasn't nearly as good as I thought it was. But what happens tomorrow does not and should not affect the story I'm telling right now.

That said, after tonight, I'm very eager to finish this story, because I want to share it. I want people to read it. I don't want to get ahead of myself, because I'm not quite done yet: indeed, I don't even know if 50,000 is going to be enough time to reach the end or not. But I do know that unless I draw this thing out to be 100,000 words, that there's more story behind me than ahead of me.

And really, I think I have something special here. Something that I'm proud of, something that I want to share. It's an exciting feeling; my first novel has only been read by a few people, and I don't think anybody's seen the mostly written sequel.

This time, it's going to be different. I'm not going to write this thing and then bury it in my hard drive, to never allow human eyes to fall upon it. This one, I'm going to put out there, whether by publishing or by putting it on some website or what. I want this story to be read.

And I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that it will be.