Something To Say To The World

Here I am once again, because I want to be.

I've been thinking a lot about publishing lately, and I think it's something of a personal failure that I haven't allowed myself to blog about it before. Part of it... all of it, actually, comes from this strange anxiety I have towards the subject, something that is equal parts hope, fear, love and loathing.

Publishing has always been for me the one big milestone. I've told people that my dream is not to be a best selling author and on the New York Times list, but simply to go into Barnes & Nobles (or any book store, really), walk into the fiction section, grab a copy of my own book, take it up to the counter and buy it. I don't care if the clerk recognizes me, don't care if he or she sees that the name on the cover and the name on the debit card are the same. I just want to buy my own book. That's been the dream.

Because of that dream, there's always been the feeling that publishing equals success, and thus, the fact that I've never been published means that I haven't been successful as a writer. This has been something that I've grappled with for a while. On the one hand, part of the reason I haven't been published is because I've never really tried... I only ever sent a novel manuscript off to one publisher, and only ever submitted two of my short stories. So I can't say that I've given it a fair shake and was rejected every time.

I think the fear is that I'm not sure what to do if I go through all that hard work and I fail anyway. What happens then? Do I start rationalizing that publishing isn't a milestone of success, even though I've told myself over and over again that it is? I recognize, of course, that success means different things to different people, that many great writers were completely ignored during their entire lives, and that ultimately, it's not even supposed to be about something as silly as my little vanity dream. Writing isn't about getting your name on a book. It's not even about being a writer, which sounds strange, but let me explain. There was an article I read once that was completely unrelated to what I'm talking about now but contained this amusing little story I'd like to share with you:

According to his own site, when Dylan Avery was 18, he was doing construction work on a bar owned by James "Tony Soprano" Gandolfini. No, I didn't make that up. Anyway, Avery wanted to be a movie director. At a party he seized the opportunity to buttonhole Gandolfini, and the two had this conversation:

Avery: Mr. Soprano! I'm a huge fan!

Soprano: That's great, kid.

Avery: You know, I want to be a director...

Soprano: Like I give a shit. The deformed kid who cleans my fuckin' gutters wants to be a director. You got an idea for a movie?

Avery: Well, no...

Soprano: Then what the fuck are you comin' up to me talkin' about bein' a director? Let me tell you the problem with kids like you. You don't wanna direct. You don't wanna tell stories. You wanna be a director. You wanna walk down red carpets with a fuckin' starlet on your arm. You ain't got nothin' to say to the world. For you, the movies, the work, it's just a means to an end. The people who make it, the people who deserve to make it, the ones who get respect... they're the ones who got something to say to the world.

That's the point that I'm trying to make here; that it's not even supposed to be about being a writer, but about telling stories, about having something to say to the world. And believe me, if that's what it means to be successful, well, no wonder I'm anxious, no wonder I'm just this little ball of insecurity when it comes to my dream. It's not easy to have something to say to the world, to come up with this story that you feel needs to be told, not because you want the book deal, but because it's something worth telling.

And yet, that's what it really means, to be successful. It's not about having your name on a cover, or getting paid, or even getting to tell people "oh, yeah, I'm a writer and yeah, I've been published."

It's about having something to say to the world, and getting the opportunity to say it. The same is true of every creative person, every writer, every artist, every director.

No matter what anybody else might think, I do know one thing; I want to be the kind of writer who has something to say, not just one who wants all the acclaim that comes with "making it."