Beyond Being

I really like to sleep, but I hate waking up.

That's not meant to be some metaphor about life and death, even though that's exactly the sort of overwrought self-analyzing that I've been doing lately. No, the problem I have is that lately, especially in the past few months, I've been going through this weird cycle of waking up two hours before I'm supposed to be. Usually, that's a good thing, right? Score an extra two hours of sleep! Sweet.

The problem is that in this period, my dreams always become unusually intense and extremely fragmented. And when I wake up again, I feel exhausted and extremely disoriented. I wake up not sure of where or who I am, or when, and it takes several minutes of lying awake in bed for my mind to pull itself back together before I'm able to exist as a functional entity once again.

I think you can imagine why this would be especially problematic when I manage to oversleep and end up waking up from some disorienting dreamscape, dazed and confused, when the immediate need to get the fuck up and get out the door, because I'm late, I'm late, I'm late. One of the reason's that I changed the blog's sub-title or tagline or whatever the hell it is to "What did I do yesterday?" is because that very much captures how I feel most mornings.

Makes me glad I'm not addicted to anything. I don't know how I'd manage to function if I had to deal with more than just the seeming instability of my own thoughts.

I should be going to my philosophy class right now, but I'm not. I really don't have a good reason for this, just... couldn't find the energy to get moving this morning. Not quite sure why, it's not like I had a particularly intense weekend. I even went to sleep early(ish) for me. Ah well.

So, we're past the halfway point through October, aren't we? It's insane to think about, how fast this month is moving, and it really does feel like the fastest month yet. I know the reason for that, for my perception of its haste, and it's because I don't have anything to look forward to anymore. All summer long, every moment of every day since June, I was looking forward towards the autumn, when some one special was supposed to come back into my life.

And then she did, and then she went away again, and now I'm just here, you know? Done with the waiting, unhappy with the conclusion and it's like, where do I go from here? What do I do now?

Times like this that I really miss the changing seasons and the possibility of a day other than "bright and clear and hot." Because sometimes it really fucks with my perceptions when I feel like time is skipping along, the days are flying by, and yet, everywhere around me, things seem static, frozen, unchanging. Today looks exactly like yesterday did, and precisely as tomorrow will. I wonder if I would feel such disorientation, such disconnection, if time seemed an actual, tangible thing, a physical thing reflected in the world around me.

We were brought out here into the desert to enjoy an eternal summer, more or less, and I guess it's poetic that I'm more afraid of an unchanging eternity than I am anything else.