How to Reduce the Risk of Serious Injury

There's a warning label on my keyboard. Contrary to what you might expect, it does not provide any helpful hints that one might require while interacting with a computer. "Warning: Prolonged use may kill your social life. "Be advised: all keys are the Any Key." "Note: u is a letter, not a word." I think any of these warnings, posted in a visible location such as the lower right corner of my keyboard, would do wonders for the condition of the human race.

Instead, I get a helpful alert that I should read my Safety and Comfort Guide to reduce my risk of serious injury.

Now, on one level, I can understand this warning. Carpal tunnel is a very serious problem that I'm sure I'll suffer someday. When that dark future comes, unless technology has given me super-cool robot wrists capable of 500 wpm, I will lament my foolish youth, when I typed away and blithely ignored the danger around me.

On another level, I cannot possibly imagine a serious injury that could befall me while using this keyboard. Perhaps I simply lack the necessary vision to consider all the ways in which my normal, every day objects might turn into horrible death-traps, Final Destination style.

At any rate, this useful warning has made me think of other fascinating advice I've seen over the years on various pieces of equipment. Some of this information has been more useful to me, but most of it just frightens me with its mere implication, because whenever you see a posted warning, you have to imagine some poor bastard who injured himself in the first place which prompted the response from concerned manufacturers.

Did you know you're not to attempt to stop a chainsaw with your hands? I had no idea.

I also saw a warning for some superglue that told me "do not apply directly to face." Unfortunately, I read this warning a few minutes too late; my palm and my forehead had already become one with each other.

I can only imagine the warnings that most come with fun things like wood chippers and power lawn-mowers. "Do not attempt to to reenact that one scene in Fargo." "Not for use on gravel." I do not deny the usefulness of these observations, and yet, I cannot help but wonder how many people actually need them. The implication that there might be hordes of individuals roaming the streets, grabbing live chainsaws and playing with wood chippers, is, well, quite alarming. At the very least, I'm glad that I live in a state where we don't have much in the way of yard equipment. You have to be really determined around these parts to have some sort of tragic lawnmower accident. I'm not saying that it's impossible, just that... well, you have to work at it. Which shows... dedication, I guess.