Under Fire

I'd like to talk about something different today. And don't worry, I'm totally sober right now, so it won't be a long, rambling, mostly pointless discussion about deserts, or whatever. Most of the time, I use this space to talk about writing and either the struggles of trying to succeed as a writer, or just general thoughts on the medium. Because, you know, the musings of an unpublished fiction writer are totally important and this isn't at all an exercise in my own narcissism. Nope.

Today at work, I had my first incident. By incident, I mean a situation in which I was required to take action that included calling an ambulance, relaying information to the dispatcher, keeping calm, etc. etc. I'm keeping the description vague, since I use my real name on this blog, it's conceivable that somebody could make the necessary leaps of logic and piece together the real story and I'd rather respect the privacy of others. Anyway, the details are not important. Sufficient to say, an individual needed help, I helped, and remained calm while doing so. Was it a life threatening situation? Not for me. For the other individual? Maybe. I'm not a doctor. Hard to say where the line is between actual emergency and imagined one; most of the time, you won't find out until it's all said and done, and God help you if you assumed incorrectly that it was all imagined.

It's not the first time I've been in a tough situation. There was the aftermath of the Loughner shooting, the house fire back in 2007, and a few other instances here and there that were moments where I was tested, in some form or fashion. I'm not trying to brag or say "look how freaking awesome I am." That isn't the point either.

The point is that I know people who, for whatever reason, do not like to be placed in charge of things. They do not desire to have the responsibility and the burden of making decisions. I am not criticizing those people, either; I understand the desire very well. I think everybody does, actually. It's always nice to not have to deal with the stress that comes with responsibility. It's nice not have to worry that at any moment, it could be "that time" when you need to step up and take charge.

However, what I do not understand is why there are people for whom the comfort of not having to step up is preferable to the security of knowing that you can if the situation calls for it. It's a point of pride for me, again, not to say look how goddamn awesome I am or that I'm stone cold under fire, nothing like that. But it's satisfying to not have to wonder: "would I freeze up? Will I be able to handle it?" To me, it's worth more to have the knowledge that yes, I can, rather than going through life always avoiding having to be tested.

There's value in that, I think, and I wonder if those individuals who prefer comfort to self-knowledge have adequately considered the consequences of that decision. Certainly, I did not reflect on this topic all that much prior to being thrust into such a situation. In fact, I didn't even think about it when a situation was unfolding; it wasn't until I was standing in the rain in the street watching the fire department move in to take charge that I actually stopped to think about what just happened and how I reacted. And then I freaked out and got the shakes and realized how close and how razor-thin the Edge is between surviving, and not.

At the time, though, there was no panic, there was no freaking out, there was no "I wonder if I can do this." There was only the moment and the reaction to it. And I think that I've carried that first moment with me ever since, and draw from it the knowledge that when things go wrong, I'm not going to be the bravest or the toughest or the most capable, but I know I'm not the guy who's going to freeze up and be completely useless to everybody around him.

That's worth something to me. My hope is that those who prefer to look the other way, who prefer the comfort of not getting involved, my hope is that they get a chance to see why it's better to know than not. It is my hope that nobody loses on that day when the test finally comes.