There's A Door And There's A Key

It's amazing how good it feels, to be doing this again. To feel confident about myself and to have this sense of certainty, when I wonder if I'm living my life the way I'm supposed to be, if it's the "right" way. Rarely are we able to have any such assurances, I think, so I'm happy to take whatever I can get.

Lately, I've been thinking about whether or not I should try to release my current novel as two separate works, rather than the single massive volume it's shaping into. I originally decided to continue the manuscript because I felt that I wasn't yet ready to stop telling the story, and also because I felt the first work was just a little bit too short. But now as I get further and further into the new narrator and the new work, it's really begun to take on a life of its own. That's a good thing, I think, it shows a certain level of organic growth in the characters and my understanding of them. But does that mean that this is a new novel?

I wonder, when I do go back and do the editing process, will I find myself adding here and there so much that it increases my manuscript to an acceptable "novel length?" Or will I cut more than I add? Or should I even bother worrying about such things? The point, after all, is not to try to write towards some arbitrary number of pages or words, but to compose until the story is done. Done could be at 50,000 words or 100,000.

I'm not going to stop writing on what I've been referring to more and more as "Book II." But maybe it's time to embrace that it's really going to be its own book. Maybe it's time to do some editing even as I keep going with the writing. It's a thought that makes me both anxious and excited. Excited, because really, how cool would it be to have one manuscript done and be able to say I'm working on another one; that's like seriously heavy writer dedication there.

Anxious, because, let's face it, the creative part, the writing part... that's the best part. Editing is more work than anything, and the idea of trying to get published? Well, as much as I want to get this story out of my hands and into the world, the idea of publishing is pretty terrifying. Rejection will be there. You can bet your ass on that. Rejection is part of life, whether you are a writer or not. Writers just seem to get the dubious advantage of having their rejections occur in a codified and tangible letter that makes the whole thing seem more real.

So that's where my head is at tonight. I'm glad to be writing and I'm thinking about all of these different things about what to do with this story of mine, this baby that I've been... working on doesn't really sound like the right word. One doesn't "do work" on a baby. But the reality is that this is my baby, this thing has been in my mind and in my dreams and on my fingertips for a good few months now. When is it time to start the process of letting go, of preparing it to be sent off into the world?

I wonder if this is what parents go through. I wouldn't know, myself, not being one. But if it is, wow.

Stressful doesn't even begin to cover it.